As a Counsellor who deals with children and adolescents it is important to note that they do not have the same requirements as adults and may struggle in understanding the concept of losing someone. This article outlines the main areas that a Counsellor must guide a child through in this process.
Grief and Bereavement
All children will cope with loss and grief in different ways. Loss does not necessarily have to mean bereavement. Loss and its accompanying grief may be experienced in a wide range of contexts for a child for example:
- The break up of the child’s parents relationship or marriage
- Loss of the family home due to financial difficulties
- Change of school/environment
- Moving house
All these areas of a child’s life may result in some form of loss or grief and are areas where counselling skills are particularly useful. There may be times in a child’s life when occasions, which would be considered happy events for an adult, may prove extremely traumatic for a child. Take for example the birth of a new baby. Often a joyous occasion for the parents, the birth of a sibling can have devastating effects on a child, particularly if they have been the only child up until the birth.
Grief can result in a great number of feelings such as shock, numbness, longing, despair, confusion. The period of grief does not pass in isolation and each individual will pass through a number of phases, each over lapping the other and often repeating themselves. However it is thought that each of these phases need to be successfully completed before the bereaved person can finally let go and move on.
The counsellor can help the bereaved person in a number of areas these being:
- To accept their loss
- To deal with their emotions
- To acquire the skills needed to move on
1. Accepting the loss as being final is often the hardest step, particularly when counselling children, as this includes both intellectual and emotional understanding which some children may not yet have mastered. The finality of death for example can be very difficult for some adults to accept and it is much harder for a young child to understand.
2. Dealing with the emotions of grief and bereavement will take time and the bereaved person must be allowed to move at their own pace. Children will encounter a great deal of emotion ranging from great sadness, fear for the future, loneliness, anger and maybe even guilt. Each of these emotions may prove extremely powerful and the bereaved person may find them difficult to control. They need to be able to explore these emotions in a safe and controlled environment with someone who will help them to understand their feelings and put them into context.
3. It is only when these two tasks have been successfully completed that the child will then be in a position to learn the new skills to move on and make sense of what has happened.
After a person has suffered loss and experienced pain and grief it is perfectly understandable for them to move backwards and forwards as the confusion and emotions they are feeling will bring feelings of complexity. Often a child who is beginning to ‘feel better’ may be plunged into new despair at the realisation that if they are starting to feel better then the person they have lost must not have really mattered. This feeling of confusion will be set off by guilt that they are beginning to move on and it is essential that the child is encouraged to understand that their new feelings of hope are derived from the ability to accept that the person they have lost has gone but that they still matter. Their feelings of hope stem from their acceptance of the loss and not through lack of concern.
The job of the counsellor in cases of bereavement is to help the bereaved person to make sense of what has happened and to encourage them to ‘let go’ in order for them to adequately move on. Immediately after any bereavement it is the client’s reluctance to accept what has happened and to say their final goodbye which hinders their chances of grieving. Many feel that the final goodbye is when they truly lose their loved one as they cannot accept the finality of the situation and by ‘holding on’ they feel they are still with their loved one. Saying goodbye is often the very last thing the client wishes to do.
This article has been put together by the distance learning organisation Start Learning who are experts in home study. If you want to find out more about Counselling Children and Adolescents or many other distance learning courses please browse their website: http://www.start-learning.co.uk
A good way to find out more about Counselling Children and Adolescents is to sign up for a distance learning course on the subject. By studying in your free time and pace, you can gain the necessary knowledge while tailoring it to suit your schedule.
Kerrana McAvoy
Academic Director – Start Learning
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